disorder

i want to learn how to love without fear, but instead, i kill realitionships before they reallly start.

ive manipulated people and ive filled them with guilt, just to make them stay.

my life is full of contradictions. im scared that teh people ive opened up to i trusted and loved, will leave all of a sudden, without any explanation.

i want them to understand and help me while at the same time, 

i think i deserve to be alone.

i want you to stay but ill tell you you should leave. i am too damage and fucked up for you to waste ur time on me.

ill look for a signs of oncoming abandonment in your tinies gestures, so that i can leave before you do.

sometimes ill test people by hurting them on purpose. i need this for two reason;

1, seeing them hurt was a confirmation that they loved me, that i could make them feel something

2, eventually they get tired, we fight, and that confirm that they hated me and wanted to leave me.

if my favourite person wont answer my text soon enough, ill start to feel like theyre ghosting me, that they are no longer interested, or that im not worthy.

it doesnt matter if the person has always been nice, kind, and patient with me. 

the smallest transgression or even the slightes decrease in affection can have me believing that im in danger of pain and the person will abuse me, abandon me, stop loving me.

its a defense mechanism that protects me from being hurt. 

the worst part is that once i realize im inflicting pain upon another person, its already too late. 

im ashamed of what ive done, i apologize over and over again, but sometimes its just not enough. 

too many broken promises.

and so, i end up losing the one that ive cared about the most.